And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
