Joe is yelling at the trees again.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
