Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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