Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
