My Higher Power is John Stamos
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
