My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
