Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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