He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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