just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
