I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
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Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
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Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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