remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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