my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
