have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
