1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Randomize
