I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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