the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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