Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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