yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
