So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
