Duck Duck Cougar?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
