sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
