Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
