at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
