...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
