: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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