he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
