I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
