you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
