i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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