Princesses don't give blow jobs
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
