i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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