Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
