I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
