I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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