I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
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Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
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I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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