I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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