Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
