'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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