Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
false alarm. still invincible.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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