Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Randomize
