Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
