she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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