Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
