i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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