If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
