Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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