i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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