he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
