just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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