What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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