Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
