I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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