The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
