dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
