you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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