I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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