i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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